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Current Music:that's the way - led zeppelin
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Subject:friends
Time:07:04 pm
Current Mood:confused
so imogen and i came up with this ridiculous term this weekend a "rolationship". it's a romantic relationship (hence the "ro" instead of the "re") as opposed to a platonic relationship. now, most people probably don't think there's a need for such a term. but i do. because essentially, aren't they the same thing? a rolationship (if you want to read the rest of this you're just going to have to accept this absurd term and move on) is basically just a relationship or friendship but plus some sex. hopefully a lot of sex.

i may not have a lot of experience with rolationships but i've got a bit, and i never liked anybody who i was supposedly in a rolationship with more than anybody that i'm in a relationship with. so the difference isn't there. it's not like we talked about anything super special that i couldn't have talked to any of my friends about so that's not the difference either. as far as i can see, the only difference is the sex/affection. i guess that's kind of a huge difference actually...

i dunno maybe it's hard for me to see the difference because i've always embroiled myself in these intense friendships which are much more like rolationships than relationships, (breakup and subsequent severing of all communication or awkward encounters included). i just have this (bad?) habit of finding someone, really liking them, and then spending ALL of my free time with them... it's not as extreme now as it was when i was younger, but there are still a few people who i must talk to everyday. not because i actually have anything new to say to them, just because if i don't talk to them i feel like i fucked up and owe someone an apology. but that's not quite right either because it's not really an obligation. i WANT to talk to them everyday.

i love that i have these great and intense friendships but along with it comes some shaky territory. like if you don't call your "special friends" (let's just call them that for now) enough then they begin to feel like a much neglected girlfriend, and no one wants to make anyone feel like that. and then if you get a new friend, you feel kind of like you're cheating on your special friend. and even if you don't actually feel like this, sometimes they make you feel like you are.

the other thing is, more and more, i'm beginning to realize that most people don't have what it is that i'm talking about. sure, they may have a best friend who they see more than most other people, and can tell anything, and talk to all the time, and so on; but most people save their "relationship" (in the traditional sense of the word, not in my definition of the word) behaviors for their "rolationships". maybe that's why i have these friendships. i have these feelings and behavior patterns that i need to get out but no outlet for them so i treat my relationships like rolationships.

that's probably it.

i think i need a boyfriend.
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Current Music:nassau coliseum - lifter puller
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Subject:whiskey on my mind
Time:03:57 pm
Current Mood:drunk
once, when i was about 11 i had this dream that my parents abandoned me. (in the dream) my mom and i were in the car driving to Nordstrom’s to buy me shoes but instead of going to the mall she took me to the train station. when we got there i asked what we were doing and she told me i was going away. i asked her why and she said that they (she and my dad and my brother) didn’t want me anymore. i told her i didn’t have any of my stuff with me, she responded by pulling this red bag i used to have (which coincidentally was the same bag i used the two times i tried to run away as a small child) out of the trunk and told me she had packed for me. by this point i was crying. i asked her if brown bear (my favorite stuffed animal with whom i still sleep) was in the bag and she told me that since brown bear had been given to her before i was born that he was her’s and i couldn’t keep him. this caused me to cry even more. we sat there in silence waiting for the train, me crying and my mother growing more and more impatient every minute. finally she got tired of waiting and told me she was leaving. she said mine was the next southbound train and started walking to the car. i screamed for her not to go but she didn’t listen. thankfully the dream ended just then. when i woke up i was sobbing. i ran out of my room to the living room where my mom was and told her about it.

she thought it was funny that i was so upset.

that was the most realistic dream i had ever or have ever since had. sometimes i forget that it was a dream and get really angry with my mom for doing that to me. even now writing about it makes me really upset. it’s basically one of the strongest memories i have and it didn’t even happen. sometimes when i think about this, it makes me really angry. the fact that my brain is so strong/fucked up that it makes made-up things so important to me. sometimes i think it’s really cool that my memories are so strong and vital to me and sometimes i think i need to learn to let some shit go... especially the shit that didn’t even happen.

speaking of memory... i’ve got this new plan called “stop erasing your fucking memories with alcohol”. i was sitting around last night trying to remember what i did on friday and i had no idea. then i saw my friend who i was with all weekend and i asked him what he did this weekend. i should have known what he did because i did it too. it’s like my mind is a big bowl filled with work, and sleep, and drinking, and my friends; and all of my memories are starting to break down and dissolve because they’re soaked in booze. i’m not necessarily saying i need to start drinking less. i just think i need to start drinking smarter. like instead of waking up at 2pm on a tuesday and wondering what in god’s name possessed me to drink half a bottle of maker’s mark and stay up til 5am talking bullshit with my friends (it was a great night though, one of the best); i should maybe only have a couple glasses of maker’s and then go to sleep because i want to and not because the wine and whiskey and the half a pack of cigarettes are making it impossible for me to keep my eyes open any longer. now maybe, i just have a bad memory and it doesn’t have anything to do with the approximate gallon of whiskey i drink a week, but modern science tells me otherwise.

this is cause for alarm.
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Current Music:manic depression - jimi hendrix
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Subject:fucking rain
Time:12:26 pm
Current Mood:rainy
last night, riding home from a Halloween party in the rain, i was thinking how the weather can be almost like an exterior manifestation of emotions.

after it snows and everything is all clean i always feel like anything is possible. that if we could all just stop and look around for just a second we'd realize that past mistakes are just that, past. and all it takes is a thin layer (of snow, of time, of an uncanny ability to ignore things) to make everything ugly go away.

then in the summer it's so fucking hot and nasty and you're willing to do ridiculous things to make yourself comfortable, and because everyone is in the same boat it gives everyone license to act like a socially retarded asshole. like when you take 6 cold showers over the course of one particularly gross night when your AC is broken, or wear ridiculous cut-off shorts, or get drunk every night of the week (because everyone is hot when they're drunk so you don't notice how hot it is outside right?) even though you have to be at work at 8am, or make poor choices involving bathrooms of bars or stairwells or other (less lit and therefore less hot) dark corners equally suited for mistake-making.

and in the fall (even though it's my favorite season by far) when everything is dying there's this sense that time is running out. that you only have a very small amount of time before winter comes and everything you've done all year (good or bad) gets covered up by the snow. because honestly, who really makes progress during the winter? winter is about survival not advancement.

but then there's the rain. the rain is the worst. the rain makes you stupid. rain makes everything blurry to the point where you can't even recognize whether the choices you're making are good ones or not. though usually they're not, no one ever does anything smart when it's raining. it makes everything slippery and dangerous, and it makes everyone around you so focused on trying to get their shit taken care of that they forget that sometimes their actions have an effect on the people around them. and this might just be me, but with all that water falling from the sky, i kind of can't help but feel like i..m constantly about to burst in to tears. also, it's nearly impossible to get a cab.

i hate the fucking rain.
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Current Music:save me - aimee mann
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Time:09:40 pm
Current Mood:accomplished
today i discovered an incredible art-program for my computer. i don't know if you've ever heard of it, but it's called "Tux Paint". it's a program designed to strir creativity in children, and features a section called "magic" which allows you to do things like make "sparkles" and "bricks", and has a feature called "cartoon" which turns whatever you draw into a cartoon.

this program is far superior to microsoft paint in all ways exept for the color pallette, which is too small.

those of your who requested art from me should be fucking stoked.

i know i am.

v.
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Current Music:eleanor rigby - the beatles
Current Location:work
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Subject:fucking awful
Time:05:51 pm
Current Mood:awful
this is the fucking saddest thing i have ever read and this is why i don't want to get old. at least not in this country.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/10/12/robber.retirement.ap/index.html

tragedy.
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Current Music:heartbeats - the knife
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Time:07:14 pm
Current Mood:ecstatic
i only worked 10 hours today.

i fucking love my new job.

-v
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Subject:shit
Time:06:56 pm
given that i have no artistic ability we'll see how this turns out but here we go!


The first FIVE people to respond to this post will receive some sort of art, specifically made for them, from me. The media, topic, and design will all be chosen by me, but in a way that I think suites you. This art will be unreproduced - an original for all time just for you! It could be a painting, a new icon, a doodle on a napkin even... it depends on what I think your piece of art should be! It will be fun. The only catch? You have to post this in your journal and do the same for your friends. Please give me a month to do this.
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Subject:are you fucking kidding?
Time:09:45 am
Current Mood:poo
my myspace account appears to have been deleted.

and i didn't do it.

maybe it's because i threaten the life of tom cruise on it?

either way. goodbye myspace.

-v
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Current Music:wise up - aimee mann
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Time:06:03 pm
Current Mood:fuck
i'm well aware that i'm beginning to sound like a broken record over here (or have we reached the point where "a broken record" is no longer a viable turn of phrase, should it now be "a scratched cd"?) but i don't know if i can keep working these hours til december... i basically work 14 hours everyday. which, is fine, i've done worse... whatever. the problem is, the only things in my life right now are my job, and my social life and neither of them is making me particularly happy.

in terms of my personal life i'm kind of confused about how i feel about (almost every single one of) my friends. and i don't mean in the sense that i'm not sure if i want my friends to be just my friends or something more or some bullshit like that; i mean in the sense that the people i see all the time may not be the people i want to see all the time, and the people i barely talk to seem to be a lot better for me/a lot more fun to hang out with. i've also realized that there was a reason i hung out with mostly dudes in college, i like them a lot more than girls. i know that sounds really silly and most girls say nonsense like that, but it really is true. the only really girly shit i like to do i'd rather do alone, so basically, i hate hoes.

and then there's me and my love life and nobody (including me) needs to spend any more energy thinking/talking/writing/whining/crying about what a utter-fucking-failure that is...

then there's my family. i have never been away from them for so long, and i have never missed them so much. this scares me because it makes me question my ability to actually LIVE (and not just go to school) 3,000 miles away from them. and then i know my brother is coming back in november, and i love my brother, and i really liked having him around when he was living here; but i always feel this strange obligation to take care of him and make sure he's making good decisions about his life when he's around. i know i don't have to do this (he's older than me and can do whatever the fuck he wants) but i can't help feeling slightly responsible for him when he's here.

so that brings me to my job. every film/tv project i have ever been involved with has always included a certain amount of chaos and long hours. this one, however, is the worst. no one can effectively communicate (i can't believe i just wrote that) with each other so everything just dissolves into yelling and talking down to each other. i also can't get on this bandwagon of seeking everyone's approval all the time. when you do your job well no one is going to pat you on the fucking head and give you a fucking cookie. doing your job well isn't an extraordinary thing, it's just what you're supposed to do. i get filled with rage on a daily basis based on other people's bullshit and i really kind of can't take it.

so basically i have three things in my life right now: work, a personal life, and sleep. work sucks, my personal life is heading towards suck, and i don't get enough sleep to make up for either of those things. outlook does not look good.

i should really not complain so much, i have amazing friends, i really do. and i have a job which is a lot more than a lot of people (or me six months ago) can say. but as usual i can't seem to look at the positive side of things and can only see how my life is sucking.

my dad always tells me this story about his one friend who didn't figure out a way to stay out of vietnam. apparently whenever anyone would complain about anything, this guy would walk right up to the complainer and get right in his/her face and say (with the crazy eye than only war can give) "well at least no one's shooting at you". i love this story and i appreciate it's message but it's not one i seem to ever be able to grab a hold of.

i guess i either need to do some rearranging of my personal life, learn to leave my job at work, or just shut up and fucking take it. looks like the third option is in the lead right now...

-v

this is a really fucking long entry, apparently i had a lot to say...
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Subject:fuck
Time:06:21 pm
Current Mood:fucked
i am so fucked.
comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment Share

[icon] The Ravings of an Insane Woman
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